[Extract from A History of the United States (2401)]
As we, at the dawn of the twenty-fifth century CE, look back upon the recent history of this great country, we are struck by the spectacular fall of what used to be called the “white race” in the early twenty-first century. It has long been known that “race” is a purely artificial construct having no scientific foundation, and it remains puzzling that so many Americans could have fallen into the fallacy that their skin color was “white” when in fact it was various shades of pink. We are even more baffled by the tenacity with which certain benighted citizens of that era clung to a term that denoted the pathetic absence of color, while at the same time expressing pride in attaining a “bronzed” hue by way of the sun-soaked beaches on either coast. And yet, it was only around 2050 that the term pink race gained currency as a more accurate reflection of the (largely meaningless) distinction between this group and the “persons of color” against whom they arrayed themselves.
The demise of the pink race was largely triggered by the presidential election of 2020. At that time, many of the more extreme members of the pinks had come to see in the sitting president their last hope for dominance or even survival. Records from that remote age have become curiously scarce, and there is now doubt as to the very name of this official. Some scholars vehemently assert that his real name was Drumpf, while others just as fervently maintain that it must have been Rump. Whatever the case, his overwhelming defeat (even though it occurred at the hands of another member of the pink race) signaled to the pink extremists that their days were numbered. And they were right: that election ushered in a period of eighty-four consecutive years of electoral supremacy by what was then called the Democratic Party. Accordingly, the feeble remnants of the Republican Party renamed themselves—in a rare spasm of intellectual honesty—the Reactionary Party or the Fascist Party, depending on the depth of their alienation.
Meanwhile, some pink extremists felt they had no obligation but to segregate themselves in self-contained encampments, mostly in the state formerly known as Idaho. They fondly believed they could maintain their existence—and their fancied racial purity—while the rest of the country, now firmly under the control of “persons of color,” went (in the piquant phrase of the time) “to hell in a handbasket.” Unfortunately, the reverse was the case. Because the pinks were plagued with all manner of physical and psychological maladies—opioid addiction, a tendency toward self-destruction, seething anger, resentment, and a carefully cultivated sense of grievance and victimization—their numbers inexorably dwindled. This tendency was enhanced by the pink men’s inexplicable hatred of their own females, who were regarded as traitors to their race because of their preference for the more attractive and successful “persons of color” outside the encampments.
The more moderate members of the pink race were happy with the subservient position they now occupied in general society. Even though affirmative action and other programs were established to prevent them from falling into utter poverty and neglect, their overall incompetence made their lot a sad one indeed. Some pink men resorted to the practice of supplying their sperm for the use of the many women of various colors who wished to produce offspring and were too busy to secure mates in any other fashion. It was not that these pink men were particularly interested in procreation; it was simply that the procedure that generated the offspring was very much to their liking. It seemed to be one of the few things they were good at.
Some words must be devoted to religion. In our day, this phenomenon is so obscure that it requires a considerable feat of imagination to grasp its nature and influence. In short, it was believed (and had been believed for many centuries) that various texts written in the dawn of time had spelled out all the truths about the universe and laid down moral principles that its adherents were obliged to follow implicitly, merely because they had purportedly come from a “god” rather than the ignorant buffoons who had actually scribbled them down. Inconceivable as it may seem, a significant number of people swallowed such irrational rubbish.
Indeed, a large but dwindling cadre of the pink race had come to see in this same Drumpf/Rump a sort of messiah who would protect them from the secularism overwhelming the nation. In the wake of his defeat, these citizens also retreated into enclaves where the humane and tolerant government allowed them to practice their religion largely unmolested. This included banning abortion in all forms (although their own scripture did not utter a single word on this subject, and the government was not forcing any of them to have abortions against their will). And while their “Bible” (as it was called) decreed the death penalty for adultery, homosexual activity, and even working on something called the “Sabbath,” these avowed fanatics were unwilling to inflict the ultimate punishment upon violators—perhaps because the number of such violations was so extensive that their enclaves would have been sadly depleted if they had followed their scripture to the letter.
Let us not deny all greatness to the pink race. They had achieved notable triumphs in science, art, music, literature, and other areas—even if those triumphs were largely a result of ruthlessly suppressing “persons of color,” especially those whom they (inaccurately) labeled “Blacks.” Their passing was an inevitable result of relentless historical forces, and no one need lament their obliteration from the earth. The only mystery is how they were unable to open their eyes (or their minds) and see that their pinkish hue itself made them just as much “persons of color” as the people they professed to despise.